Page 50 - NAMAH-Jul-2019

Namah Vol. 27, Issue 2, 15th July 2019

got so high that as he stumbled home in the appears to be a chaotic and meaningless
dark, he was almost run over by a speeding world — form habits that are destructive.
vehicle. Next morning, frightened and alone, The paradox is that these same choices also
he had no choice but to face the stark fact that numb our minds and hearts and may stop us
he would die if he continued on his reckless from even committing suicide, or, in extreme
path. His ex-girlfriend’s words came back cases, from harming or killing our abuser.
to him and he decided he would give the
anonymous programme a chance. This train of thought led me to consider my
own egoistic self. You see, my way of breaking
His resistance to sobriety was so strong that out of my birth matrix was to cultivate so
he continued to slip back into addiction strong a sense of self that I could fight all
even after entering ‘the rooms’ as they are opposition to my efforts to be free. No, I did not
called. But thanks to the support of new and want to be just another traditional Indian girl
sober friends, and the 12 Steps themselves forced into an arranged marriage; I wanted to
(which provide a spiritual way for addicts make my own choices and invest my precious
and alcoholics who are ‘sick and tired of energy in developing my potential. True, the
being sick and tired’ to break the grip of their life my parents wanted for me might have
demons), he managed to stay sober for longer given me safety, comfort, even luxury, but I
and longer stretches of time.He began to paint was convinced that material security alone
seriously and to make money off his art; he — especially if it came with a million caveats
learned Hatha Yoga, began to meditate and and restrictions — would never satisfy my
took long hikes in upstate New York that deeper yearnings.
refreshed his weary body and soul. As his
mind grew calm and his heart happy, he was Later, when the seed for spiritual growth
gradually able to clear the financial wreckage awakened with a mighty roar, I realised to my
of his past, to make amends to the many he chagrin that that same sense of personal self
had hurt, and to create a rich sober lifestyle. that had helped me escape what I considered
a life of tedium now had to dissolve, or I would
“Know what strikes me as most bizarre?” he never make progress. No different than the
asked me. “The fact that it was drugs and guy at the party who had used intoxicants to
booze that stopped me from killing myself survive a brutal father, I had used a powerful
as a teenager. They blotted out my pain and sense of mini-me to break free of my shackles;
gave me a false sense of happiness that helped it struck me that now I would have to use
me survive. Then of course these so-called diligent intelligent efforts to destroy this old
‘friends’ turned into my enemy.” and reliable servant (the ego) who had most
certainly shape-shifted into a callous master.
I mulled over what he said for a long time
afterwards. My own experience of sharing Addiction is a many-headed hydra. It can take
frankly with others on the inner path has subtle or gross forms, and the worst one is
taught me that many who are severely abused not, in my opinion, enslavement to drugs or
as children—or just prone to debilitating booze, which can be given up at any time, but
doubt and confusion about their role in what to our own limited and limiting sense of self.

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