Page 29 - NAMAH-Apr-2020

Namah Cancer: a chance to recognise the disharmony...

in a few new roles I wasn’t much prepared for attend some workshop or another that
— as a wife and daughter-in-law. As a wife, inspired me to take up activities such as
there weren’t many expectations of me because photography and Vedic chanting, or even to
my partner and I were deeply connected. But spend some time jogging, but the idea behind
slowly I found myself internalising indirect, all those experiences was not for anything
sometimes misunderstood, unsaid and said higher. It was more a rebellion against the
expectations from everyone around me. The present state of affairs, more in arrogance
new family was lovely, but the conditioning than in any sense of groundedness or as an
associated with the daughter-in-law comes offering to the Divine. I had not the slightest
usually as a loaded gift in the Indian context. idea that I could offer all of this to the Divine
So, it came to prominence within me as well. and let Him take me ahead. I had moved a bit
Pretty soon, I started internalising what further away from my body. I had abandoned
everyone else might feel or think about me. it and went wherever my emotions would
There was a violation of my inner sanctity and take me, wherever my thoughts took me,
which I constantly allowed, in the mental and I wandered. I had no idea of what I felt in
the vital space. Most importantly, I wasn’t the body when I harboured these thoughts.
present or aware of these happenings in my I had no clue of what I was feeling in the
mental, vital and physical domain. body when I felt stuck during that phase of
my life. No clue whatsoever.
Lack of a higher purpose
Disharmony in the physical, vital and mental
“An aimless life is always a miserable life (3).”
Mental
Later I could greatly relate with this when First of all, I must say here, that it is only
reading about it in a book while doing a course, now that I can talk about the parts of my
‘Scripting Pathways of Change’, organised by being as mental, vital and physical. They were
the Gnostic Centre in Palam Vihar, based on the all mixed up, in a great chaos, no harmony
teachings of the Mother and Sri Aurobindo. whatsoever then. Also, they had no harmony
Indeed this was what was happening to me. within themselves too — the state of mind
I had lost a higher purpose in my life, getting was such that whatever thoughts wanted to
sucked up in family affairs and new roles. come, came, and stayed for as long as they
Before marriage, I was dedicated to alternative wished and made formations which had no
education solely, thereby learning and mutating positive impact on my own being or others.
along the road. But after marriage, there was I am talking about the major percentage
a stagnancy that had come with being stuck of thoughts. Although one discipline that
to a particular home, role and the same daily persisted with, in oblivion, was that I never
affairs. I had nowhere else to offer myself to. publicly discussed anything about any other
being around me, virtually no indulgence in
Of course, all this knowledge came about much gossip. There were times when my mother
in retrospect. Right then, I was only struggling would call and I would have nothing to say to
and suffering, without even knowing it. I her, or any topic to discuss, as I did not want
would take breaks from the daily routine, any of my home things to be put on a platter.

29