Page 30 - NAMAH-Apr-2020

Namah Vol. 28, Issue 1, 24th April 2020

But the mind was in a bad shape,with thoughts and repeating one cycle daily, a feeling of not
playing havoc all around. being content, a feeling of a sort of emptiness
within, a feeling of being betrayed into this whole
Physical idea of having children, feeling of being lost. All
During the first pregnancy I had maintained these feelings had become my truth, I was unable
a certain physical discipline for myself: Vedic to look at them from a detached perspective.
chanting, pre-natal yoga, and reading good
books. But by the second pregnancy, I had Search for a lost connection with the
no time for any such discipline, looking after psychic
and running around the first-born and then
looking after the newly born little one who I had no idea that I was searching for my
needed me the most. A greater disharmony lost connection with my innermost. I just
dawned. As I was not in my body at all, I knew that something was amiss and that had
had no idea what else was happening to it. I to be now looked for, only after the initial
can just say that I was absent and unaware. diagnosis of cancer was given. Somehow
there was this innate urge towards harmony.
Later on, when I sat down for my meditations Who had told me that there is a psychic that
to be in intimate touch with myself, my body, can harmonise? No one in particular. Maybe
and through books and mentors, I found out there were traces in some books that I might
that there was a lot of restlessness and fear have read, or the work I was doing as a job
in the cells of the body, the physical cells. I which reflected on various philosophies, or
could feel it very strongly. As if the faith and in my own life-phases, where I had earlier
surrender to the Universe, the Creation was lived a harmonious life and now could see
absent. As if there was a separation: One was that I had fallen into a lower consciousness.
me and the other was the rest of the existence I couldn’t point any single one out.
and the ‘me’ could be harmed by the ‘rest’.
There was this disruption in the flow of the Who had told me that there is chaos in my
things as they were, a major duality. life and which needs order and guidance?
It means there was something, some part of
Vital me, which was aware that a greater harmony
There would be a certain thought visiting my was possible, that something more than this
mind, I would buy into it and then expectations seeming mundane life was possible, that I had
would arise, either of my own self, or of others not been living a sincere life, and it could be
around me, or of situations to be in a certain better indeed. This innate urge for harmony
way and not in that way. And when that did not also came to me in retrospect, when I began
happen, all kinds of suffering arose. Those feelings making sense of what was happening.
that I took as my truth wandered about in my
body, got stuck at various places, I didn’t even Awakening of faith in the body and a spark
know where at all. Feeling of being misjudged, of surrender
there was a feeling of not following what I really
wanted to do, a feeling of not knowing what I During one of my meditations, when I was
really wanted to do, a feeling of being stagnant internally scanning it and looking at its present

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